Domingo.... Vi muitas das tuas fotos, escutei os últimos áudios... hoje vc parece que desapareceu. Vai desaparecendo da minha memória... Não te vejo online no WhatsApp (sera que mudou de telefone?) Apagou a conta do Instagram (só a oficial, mas, enfim), não tem nem mais foto no Spotify. Coisinhas pequenas que vou indo atras. Ainda não sei bem como te deixar ir por completo. Não te quero mais. Não entendo como te quis tanto. Fiz tanto em tao pouco tempo, me doei tanto, acreditei tanto... e vc, quando viu que não servia mais aos teus propósitos, largou mão.

Tento nao pensar que fui usada, mas as vezes me vem essa ideia. Prefiro acreditar que sim, pelo menos por algum tempo, você realmente acreditava que me amava e que queria ficar pra sempre comigo. Eu acho que acreditaria nisso pra sempre. Tava me esforçando pra que fosse verdade nesses ultimo tempos... mas tava fazendo as coisas sozinha e as coisas estavam ficando forçadas. Li muito das nossas conversas... Não é assim que tem que ser. Mas eu buscava aquele cara que me mandava flores, que me dizia coisas lindas e que não se aguentava sem falar comigo. De um dia pro outro sumiu.

Achei que fosse culpa minha... que não sei me relacionar, que não sei brigar, que não sei lidar com crise. 

Falando a verdade... vc não me atraia fisicamente... Nunca te achei tao inteligente assim... mas fui me acostumando a ta companhia muito rápido, aos teus carinhos, a acreditar que alguém me via e me queria como eu era. Como não amar alguém que me ama tanto assim... como não se entregar a uma vida que parecia tao certa, parecia que todo o meu amor guardado era pra voce. Ainda bem que amor não gasta... se não, vc teria levado boa parte do meu estoque. E queimou tudo. Triste. 

Ainda assim, depois de tudo, 2018 foi um ano bom. Fui muito, muito feliz. O teu desequilíbrio, o teu desrespeito por tudo que a gente viveu, o teu descaso pelos meus sentimentos, não vão mudar isso. Pra mim foi verdade. Amei de verdade, sofri de verdade e hoje te vejo de verdade. 

Mas os dias e as horas tranquilas, ver a montanha que vc tanto gosta, ainda me fazem pensar em você... naquele você que eu amei. Vou guardar com carinho, na latinha no fundo da gaveta... até que um dia eu possa queimar também.

Ainda bem que ninguém le isso aqui.... pareço uma louca escrevendo. 

Saudades de vc que não existe. Enjoo ainda de pensar no que passei por você.

2019 is here... and so am I.

Almost a month that Mr. M and I have broken up.... I am a bit better every day... but still very sad. 

Tears come to my eyes every now and then... sometimes out of nowhere.. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him. Keep thinking how he is, how was his New Year, what's he doing by himself these past days....

But then I think of how he had been treating me... what he said to me.... the way he looks at his new Instagram profile picture. He looks like a bad person. He has been mean to me. And it hurts me to think that he is fine... and that I am here suffering for everything. 

I know I have to move on. I saw that when we were together and he said he had deleted his Social media, that he kept a "secret account"... just for photographs... ok... but why secret? What else was he faking? Maybe everything. Maybe he never loved me... but I did. It was real to me and it hurts to think that I gave my heart so easily for someone that promised me the world... but sent me to hell. Ok, ok... I'm being too dramatic, maybe... but it is so, so sad that he could so easily dispose of me... 

Será que ele sofreu? Que ele pensa em mim? Por que quero saber isso? Enquanto eu comia o pão que o diabo amassou em outubro, ele portava fotos na conta secreta dele... e trocava comentários... "thank you, dear"... E eu com meu coração esmagado, sofrendo, chorando, sem comer, sem dormir, angustiada, assistindo todos os episódios do Friends pra fazer tudo sumir... E eu que era pra ser a sua querida... ele era pra ser o meu amor. 50 anos de aviso prévio... pra sempre. Amor da vida. Trem passando. 

Queria saber o que me entristece tanto... Pra curar... pra fazer parar de doer... 

Definitely have to stop trying to care... tentar saber, ver... Eu tava indo bem. Bem melhor. E tudo isso hoje me deixou triste. Me fez chorar.

Tantas coisas boas na minha vida... e esse idiota não pode me roubar mais tempo. 

Vazio... tristeza.... chega!

How could I know that one day after my last post I would meet the guy I thought was THE ONE?

And I kept on thinking it until last week.

We lived a fairy tail life... I loved him like no-one else, ever. And he loved me. I thought I was so lucky to finally have found him, that I failed to see the things that were not right... and that would end up by having me here. Broken hearted again.

I still think he could have been the one. That we could live happy... with issues every couple has... but that we would be ok.

And now I'm so sad. That's all I can think of. And I am sad. Sad cause I know it's really over. He can't unsay what he said. It's absurd and it can't be fixed.

I don't want it to be fixed... I just don't know how not to be sad. How to move on. 

I know it's been only a week.... that life will go on and that I will be happy again. But right now... right now it's hard.

Hard to let go... even if I know he didn't want to stay...

Adding my dramatic part... "I could have loved him forever".

Snow just left... oh, and how we connect. Love his smell on me.... his kiss.

He sent me a song from Rihanna and remembered that once I said that I hated to love him. That must be true. I once loved him and must be careful. 

But now, I need him. I need him... Oh... and how he makes me feel... it's forbidden, it's good, it's familiar... 

Is that normal?

He's under my skin... he's my favorite storm.

Me, here, again, just putting some thoughts in a very non-organized or planned way. 

Waiting to talk to my Canadian in a few minutes... thinking how it is good to have someone that pays attention to me, listens to what I say and seems to value me.

I know, I know.... I should not create expectations especially given that we live soooo far apart, that we've seen each other in person 3 times (not just 3 days... but, again, 3 times) since we've met 8 years ago...

Have to pause, cause I hear his "pling" calling me :) He'll call in 5 min!

I'm here writing but I don't really know what to think about him and me. I just feel good when Im with him. I feel he has a lot of the things that I value in a man too... And honestly I don't think I am crazy in love. Which is good. I was hurt so bad the last time, I keep thinking I should act differently... but can we really? Move away from the way we are?

The truth is that from my past relationship I've learned that I do want to be with someone. These past month, however, when in random contact with the Ex, I see that he brings lots of feelings in me. It's a rush... a need to be with him... but at the same time a terrible feeling of insecurity, being inadequate, doing the wrong thing all the time, feeling happy, anxious, than wanting to cry. It's too much ups and downs.

 1:11 later... In summary. The Canadian makes me feel good. happy. he makes me forget about everything else. I feel safe. I don't worry. Talking to him makes me feel light and puts a smile in my face. He tells me he misses me and I feel it's true. I miss him too. 

Remember that feeling. It's great. It's what I want and deserve.

No more feeling like the Ex makes me feel. I want to be and feel loved. Its so good to finally have someone that makes me feel that way! 

Im sure the Universe will conspire for us to be together if that's the right thing. In the meantime... I'll enjoy as I can this way that he makes me feel :)

My impression of Canadians was that they were the nicest people I've met... And they are nice indeed. Still think that. But I am beginning to think that it was actually This Canadian that was the utmost responsible for it.

Love this feeling. Seems to be the right one.

Can't wait to read this some time from now... (talking about not creating expectations... right?)